Posts Tagged work

or, Reason #357 Why I Love the Public Service

For several months my boss – let’s call him Megalomaniac O’Tosspot – had failed to hire an executive assistant, which meant that any time he wanted some typing done, or some travel booked, or a morning tea organised, he’d come and dump the job on me or on Well-Dressed Jolly Boy, my off-sider. It got to the point that I complained that this was stopping Well-Dressed Jolly Boy and me from doing our real jobs. The next week, lo and behold, there was a new executive assistant sitting outside Tosspot’s office.

Well-Dressed Jolly Boy and I were delighted … until we realised she was completely useless. The woman can’t take shorthand or even touch type, freaks out when asked to take minutes at a meeting, cannot cut and paste between word documents and thinks spreadsheets are magic. Well-Dressed Jolly Boy and I have ended up holding her hand so much we might as well have just kept doing her damn job.

Yesterday was the last straw. Megalomaniac O’Tosspot asked Mouth Breather to update the branch phone list and email it to all concerned, so she came flapping over to Well-Dressed Jolly Boy and asked him what to do. Well-Dressed Jolly Boy explained (as you would to a two year old) that she should send out the existing phone list to everyone on the branch email distribution list and ask all staff to let her know by a specified time if she needed to make any changes to their names, numbers or job positions. She looked at Well-Dressed Jolly Boy blankly. “What do you mean?”

What do you mean, what do you mean?

So Well-Dressed Jolly Boy took her through it again, and again she gave him the blank look, this time with tears starting in her eyes. (This woman isn’t a 19 year old dolly bird – she’s in her mid-forties.) “I don’t understand what you want me to do.”

Well-Dressed Jolly Boy put down the sock puppets, took her back to her desk and walked her through it. I could hear them from my desk, and it went a little something like this.

Well-Dressed Jolly Boy: OK. Have you got Outlook open?

Mouth Breather: What?

WDJB: Outlook. You know, email.

MB: Oh, you mean this?

WDJB: No, that’s Internet Explorer. I mean open your inbox.

MB: Oh right!

WDJB: Good. Okay, now open a new mail message. Here, I’ll show you. … Okay, now find the branch distribution list.

MB: I don’t know what that is.

WDJB: Click on the address book. No, this is the address book. OK, now click on the contacts list and type in the branch name.

MB: What’s the branch name?

WDJB: Type in “IT” and see what comes up, okay? … No, scroll down. Keep scrolling. Okay, there it is. Click on that. … No, you just closed the address book.

MB: Shit! Now what do I do?

WDJB: Open the address book again.

MB: Oh my god, this is so hard.

WDJB: No, it’s not. Just calm down. OK, now click the little book icon again and search for “IT” like you did the first time. Good! OK, now this time, click on the branch name and then click the “to” button. Good, see how the branch now shows up in the little window on the right?

MB: Um, yeah …

WDJB: That means you’ve added the branch distribution list to your email address line.

MB: I’ve what?

WDJB: You’ve set up your email message so that when you send it, it’ll go to everyone in the branch.

MB: Oh, should I send it now?

WDJB: No, honey, you haven’t written anything on the email yet. Click “OK”.

MB: But you just said I shouldn’t send it.

WDJB: Clicking “OK” will add the address you just selected and take you back to the message screen.

MB: Ooh, that’s amazing.

WDJB: Right … Okay, now we’re going to attach the phone list to the email.

MB: We’re not finished yet?

WDJB (gritting teeth): Click the little paperclip.

MB: But the paperclip’s not showing.

WDJB: Huh? … Oh, you mean the help paperclip. No, I mean click this one.

MB: What’s the difference?

WDJB: Just click it, OK?

MB: What the hell is this?

WDJB: That’s your file directory. Now where did you save the phone list?

MB: I can’t remember.

WDJB: Oh-kay … Try this drive. … Right, there it is.

MB: What?

WDJB: See this document? It’s called “branch phone list”. Double-click on it. Good, now see how you’re back in your email message now?

MB: How did that happen?

WDJB: Forget about how, OK? It happened. See how the phone list is sitting in the “attachment” line?

MB: Should I send it now?

WDJB: No! You have to write something first!

MB: What should I write?

WDJB: Ask if anyone has any Prozac they can loan me. … No, don’t write that! I was kidding. We went over this before. You want to ask everyone to send you any updates to their details by twelve o’clock, right?

MB: Yeah …

WDJB: So write it.

(sound of painfully slow two-finger typing)

WDJB: You might want to add a “please” in there. That sounds a bit abrupt. … No, don’t put “please” on its own line at the end. Try something like “could you please send me any updates …”

MB: Like this?

WDJB: That’s not too bad. But you might want to check your spelling. Do you know how to do a spellcheck?

MB: Look words up in the dictionary?

WDJB: Er, that’s one way. How about I show you the other way another time, OK? Look, you’re got an “or” here instead of an “of”, and “sned” instead of “send”, and “twelve” is spelt “t-w-e-l-v-e”, not “t-e-k-v-e”.

MB: Oops. Is this better?

WDJB: That’ll do. Okay, now you can send it.

MB: Oh God, I never want to do this again.

WDJB: Yeah. Neither do I.

That was about the point at which I couldn’t control my laughter any longer.

The worst part was, when Mouth Breather actually received some updates she hadn’t a clue what to do with them. “Update a word document … How do I do that? I don’t understand …”

It took Well-Dressed Jolly Boy and me six hours, on and off, to help Mouth Breather update the phone list, check it for spelling errors, and email it to the branch. And when I checked my email I discovered that she had sent it to the wrong distribution list (I’m on several and it got to me purely by coincidence), the phone list was full of errors, the formatting was all wrong, and the body of the email said:

NEW UPDATED OR BRNACH PHONE LIST

THNAK YOU

This is your tax dollars at work, ladies and gents.

Sketchyville went to Strange New Places this week, Dear Reader. The world of Office Etiquette will not be the same, for in the space of a week (two sick days among the count) this Hound has endured the awkwardness of an unwanted gift, followed by the unwanted ‘openness’ of a neighbouring co-worker.

The Sweet Part: Make Honey, Not War
1kg of sweet intentions, in the form of a tub of honey, was presented to this Hound at the onset of a now-conquered cold. The issue was that the relationship between Hound and giver was not conducive to such an action. We do not lunch. Each morning’s offer for a coffee is Houndfully declined. Rarely do we even speak.

At first I questioned the Honey. I now resent it. To the aspiring apiarist, this Hound is Just Not Into You. Do yourself a favour and move on, taking heed in some classic Olympia Doukakis: “Do not sh-t where you eat!”

The Stench Part: Unwittingly Pulling the Proverbial Finger
This coffee-bound Hound was awaiting money from a silent, (but evidently deadly) co-worker one morning. A good ten seconds passed before eventually entering the confined cubicle space, when the following warning was uttered: “MOVE AWAY, I JUST DID A FLUFF”. Adding insult to injury, a hand waved behind the offending orifice as if the brazen action and boyishly termed ‘fluff’ were not insulting enough.

WHO “FLUFFS” AND GETS AWAY WITH IT?!

As was the case with the honey endowment, this relationship is NOT at that level – nor will it ever be. The Fluff Stops Here.

NOW PLAYING: She’s Not Me [Madonna]

Next week I’m heading to Squidney for the Gartner IT Symposium. Never heard of it? Gartner is an information and technology research and advisory firm that puts on these major conferences all around the globe. I guess I should take my notepad.exe.

However, the most important things to note are the free promotional toys that vendors give out such as laser pens, mini-mouses and towels. Not to mention the free food, free grog and a wicked party on the Thursday night… followed by free bacon’n'egg rolls on the Friday morning to soak up any hangovers. So many free things for underprivileged IT professionals given by the corporate community is enough to make one proud to be living in a free market economy.